Office kitchen etiquette

THE 99 – 10 = 89 THESES
(Now we’re wondering what font and formatting Martin Luther used. And whether or not he insert-paragraph-ed and number-ed each entry.)

-- It has been brought to our attention… that science has discovered… that… --


1. A hand towel that’s used for purposes other than drying clean hands will end up looking like it’s been used to mop the brow of one very angry ogre. (Spoiler alert: I know this description is particularly accurate, because we used it in the next Shrek movie. Which is still in the conceptual stage.)

2. Olive oil that runneth over the sides of the bottle when in use, if not cleaned, will continue to runneth over while sitting on the shelf. (The shelf has informed us that it’s reached moisturizer saturation point. “Saturation Point” would make a good love song title.)

3. A blender cup that is left to “dry” with its entire mouth turned toward the counter will smell like something died in it, when you right it in the morning. (Every time. It’s amazing how consistent this one is. ]:) Side note: Something[s] probably did. Die. In it. Think about it.)

4. Keeping stale bread and crackers results in… continuing to keep same stale bread and crackers. (And will continue with more of the same, unless someone gets entrepreneur-al-ish… or medieval on their… uh… Which, science has also discovered, hasn’t happened. To date.)

5. When flung about (caution: to prevent strain, this activity requires proper hand/wrist/elbow/shoulder form) a small kitchen table, granules of sugar will evolve into ants. Overnight. (This one defies logic. And even science. The jury is still out. They might’ve gotten lost in 7-11.)

6. A dish-washing sponge that is used for purposes other than dish-washing – even after only 1 week of such use – will begin to look like it should be the centerpiece of some portion of metro station graffiti art. (We’re assuming we have been God-fearing in our use of the sponge for “other purposes”. Really don’t wanna know.)

7. Empty jars deposited in kitchen, to be saving (saving of what, science has not yet discovered… maybe: air) will result in us tossing them into the bin. Using the correct form, of course. (So, in the end, it’s not really saving. If one would like to save empty jars, may we suggest one’s desk, room or pocket[s]?)

8. A table-wiping towel that has been used for purposes one can only guess at – which, judging by the evidence, were probably very earnest cleaning endeavors – will end up looking like a milking cow. In reverse. (If you’re still unclear on this one, please view Exhibit B, currently hanging on kitchen towel rack.)

9. Spills spilled over the back of the counter will probably only be discovered when the “Excavation for Museum-Worthy Artifacts of Ancient Hong Yuin History and Property” dig is going on. Which we’re fine with. If we’re all fine with it. (Except for the large and still-semi-sticky one we discovered the other day.)

10. A rose may not be a rose if it hasn’t a thorn. But what is a thorn if it hasn’t a rose? (Have you ever thought about that?)