A person's basic needs

I've discovered that I have at least two very basic needs:

-- The need to diffuse
-- The need to be needed

It's amazing how much one gets to know oneself, when one is this old. I used to think it was a very self-centered thing to do, obsessing over one's own psyche (and I still think it is when it's done too extremely and receives too much air time), but I think I'm coming to the conclusion that understanding yourself really does help you understand others.--And life. At least for someone as internally messed up as I've been known to be.

You know how they say that what often irritates you about others is something you yourself are guilty of? Well, if you understand how and why you do that irritating thing(s), not only can you figure out ways to minimize it in yourself, but you can also kind of get where the other person doing it is coming from and what makes them tick. No? At least, technically.

Anyway...

DIFFUSING: By nature, I have a pretty psychotic nature. Some would call one part of the seemingly psychotic "creative", others would call it just "annoying". Whatever it may be, I realize it's psychotic. On the other hand, I can be very serious, sober, organized, attentive to detail. I can even switch between the two either on demand or as the mood or situation allows. That, I'm sure, is also a sure sign of derangement. Or genius. But what genius has not been labeled psychotic or been psychotic in some way? I'd rest my case, if I had a case.

Now, I've always been a little odd, but it never used to be so obvious (as far as I'm aware) until an occurrence shortly before my 30th birthday: circumstances put me in the position of having no very close friend in my life. From the beginning of 1997 to the end of 2007, I've always had one very close friend, either someone I wrote nearly daily or someone I lived with. Well, there was a brief spell in between when such a friend didn't exist and bad things happened, internally. That friend would allow me to be my erratic, unstable, emotional self, without being put off and, in consequence, I could face the rest of the world as not-completely-normal-but-definitely-not-quite-as-weird.

So, when that element went away, I had all this psycho energy to get out and nobody to inflict it on! I was living with very nice, supportive and happy people, so it started coming out in general, with anyone and everyone. I'm sure this was very surprising. Any of my old acquaintances will probably think me way-too-weird, now, but I've always been this way, you just didn't know it. :D

Hence my conclusion that I have this NEED to diffuse that kind of energy!--It keeps me stable. I do apologize retroactively and in advance... And if ever again I have a close enough friend that the majority of this energy is aimed in their direction, besides keeping them in your prayers, be forewarned that I will most likely return to a more serene and amiable state.

Or maybe not. Who knows...

NEED: I've realized that I have an actual need to be needed -- to nurture, to give, to do things for other people. When nobody needs me, something inside me dies. It's easy to find somebody to give to when you have a really close friend and it's justifiable to give it all to them. So, related to the above, when said friend is no longer an option, this, by default, becomes a missing element, too.

Most people need somebody at some time or another, but I've noticed that, also, most people these days are either self-sufficient or already reliant on someone else. Or -- more likely, heheh -- they simply don't have a need for somebody like me. Or maybe it's the above-mentioned psychotic-ness that makes me seem unreliable, harhar. Hrm...

Anyway, when nobody needs me, I retreat into a little corner and dry up. I might still be outwardly, erm, "fine", but something huge is missing.


Well, there's no conclusion or point to this, and the only people who would actually read it are people who relate or people who have nothing better to do and think there might be something intelligent, interesting or useful at the end, haha, but those are just the facts.--And as much as it may seem like I'm fine in life despite vital elements being non-existent, fundamentally, a need will always be a need and without Jesus, I would be lost, unstable and not-even-psychotic. :O

Now, wouldn't THAT (specifically, the very last part) just be the end of the world. :D