By nature, I resist change -- I like being grounded, I like routine, I like predictability and receiving plenty of forewarning about surprises (except the reward type of surprises), which makes them not be surprises at all. :) I can plan for things and meet them pretty stable-ly, if I know in advance. I will also balk and attempt to re-train people if they consistently don't plan ahead or give advance warning in life. :)
Ironically, I also handle change pretty well, internally, even if outwardly and vocally it may seem like I don't. :D That is, until that change starts happening in personal or intimate matters and issues. It's all good-and-well when it's happening around me and to others, but when it gets within a 1-foot radius of my heart, that's when it starts to actually affect me.
Well, the last year-and-a-bit has been nothing but change, everything but old and common experiences. I can't say I've handled all of it all that well -- most of it, in fact, has been encountered, by me, with a shocked, appalled, frightened and wide-eyed aspect. At least, that's how I imagine I've looked, to any third party. Outwardly, I haven't done all that well. Inwardly, too. The latest chapter of "turmoil" (which is commonly and more positively referred to as "change") has been this unrequested move to Taiwan (which, to allay all concerns, was confirmed by the Lord and has His full blessing, as far as what I've received when praying about it :] ).
You know how they say "it could be worse, and, sure enough, it got worse"? That's how practically everything has felt in the past 16 months. I've found myself thinking over and over "how much more battering can any one soul take?", only to discover one can always take just a little more and then a little and more... So this move -- being asked to consider taking on a new ministry, in a new land, in a Home (almost) full of entirely new people, leaving behind everything and everyone I know -- was really the final "okay, it definitely can't get any worse than this". Well, short of losing someone in my immediate family (I recently lost an aunt, so that came mighty close). Even my health has suffered in the past year. I think all I've missed are the boils-of-Job. :)
Okay, so, this isn't a sob story, it's just an attempt to explain the position I'm currently in... for any of you who care... :) I'm in limbo, I'm in the worst kind of situation a lover-of-stability could be in: no certainty, no predictability, no roots, going on to something totally new, not sure if I can even fill that place but knowing I must be able to do it if the Lord said I could... ...
So... With all this talk of change for the Family overall, big change, warning of change, preparation for change... At this point, I can really say that "none of these things move me", which is pretty surprising. There are certain things that don't move me, but instability, especially promise of instability, has never been one of them. :) But with all I've gone through, with what seemed like one more weight, one more stone, one more burden being piled on top of the already-humongous pile, month after month... really, in looking at what the future holds (which is a blank, actually), there are no feelings of hesitation, no feelings of reluctance... not even that sinking feeling of "okay, what next"...
I don't know if that's because it really-really-really-finally couldn't get any worse :D or if it's finally the fruition of the promise of faith and victory that has come with each (increasingly-worse) battle. Or maybe it's because it's change for "the Family overall" and I've always had faith for that... haha. I don't know...
The other day, someone asked me "what's your commitment - how long do you plan to stay in Taiwan?" When I told them "I don't know", they seemed surprised... I started thinking about it... I've never gone anywhere with a commitment, not because I wasn't committed, but simply because I haven't put a time limit on how long I thought the Lord should use me in any given situation. Six months into my move to Turkey, I found myself dealing with "rebellion" in my heart against the Lord ever asking me to leave. He wasn't even asking me to do so, but I was starting to enjoy and love the place and the people and I began dreading that He would require that sacrifice of me. I basically told Him that if He asked me to, I wouldn't do it -- I would never end up behind a desk again. For a few months, I struggled with that. Then I realized how contrary I was being with Him, when He wasn't even asking it of me, which wasn't a very pretty thing, actually. So I told Him I would do it, even if it was a hugely difficult thing for me to do (hoping, of course, it would never come up again :] ). A few months later, I received an invitation to move back behind a desk, in Hungary, and the Lord confirmed that I should.
I'm not sure what that says...
I'm a naturally committed and long term kind of person, but I also know that the Lord "works in mysterious ways", so I can't foresee or predict that. I might make a commitment to a place for 5 years, but what if 6 months into it the Lord tells me I need to move? To my carnal mind, that isn't ideal or even right, but I have to be willing to accept that. So my lack of commitment isn't a lack of commitment of heart and spirit -- I'll stay wherever I am for as long as I should -- I guess it's more just really wanting to obey the Lord if He should change things and not restricting myself by imposing what at the moment I feel are good and committed attitudes and then binding myself to them through promises. Or, worse yet, not being able to keep promises, because Jesus changes things further on down the line. (Disclaimer: That might not seem to go along with being professional, having the long term vision, not being a rover, etc., but it really does go hand-in-hand with it. Think about it... It's pretty deep... :D )
Anyway, that's not faith -- that's more obedience and the issue here is faith...
So... this year... yeah... this last year... hrm... So...
My 30th year has covered most of the major "losses": love, ministry, Home. I've come this close to the personal losses of immediate family, too -- this close! But there's something about all that turmoil... It's like, as stupid and incapable and messed up as you may feel, as long as you're connected to Jesus, something inside of you survives. I've truly felt like a tiny, fragile shoot-of-a-plant that kept getting lambasted -- how could it possibly survive?! I can't necessarily say I've pulled through... I mean, remains to be seen how I survive Taiwan: buwaaa!, boohoo!, many-tear-sodden-shoulders!... haha... But is it faith that keeps one alive?
I've never considered myself very strong in faith. In fact, if anything, through everything, it's just been one constant reminder from the Lord of "your faith is being tested, this is strengthening your faith, faith this, faith that, just faith"... The illusive "faith"! I've done Word studies on faith, I've memorized keys on faith... I have all the faith theory down... That didn't spare me the trial (of course, all that theory was ingrained especially during the trial, heh) and, really, nothing can replace "the trial" (?). Why does that make me feel like a certain court scene that involved Job... I've always really liked the book of Job... I must just be a martyr at heart... haha...
Anyway, I've lost my train of thought...
People who don't know me well think I'm tough. In fact, in work and Home life, I'm the proverbial "lime wall". (Actually, there is no proverbial "lime wall" -- I made that up.) But when it comes to anything remotely personal or emotional to me (which work and Home issues generally are not), I'm weak as a whistle! (I also made up that simile.)
Train of thought lost again...
So... last year... yeah... again...
There must be something about trial bringing about faith. Somehow. It just has to be. There's promise of it, but I've always figured that faith is something obvious that you either already have or very obviously get as a result of x. That's not how I feel. What I do know, though, is that with all these winds of change blowing and whistling through the air (what a lovely harmony they create), all there is, is peace. It may not even be something that I would've needed to fight for peace and trust about... Who knows... But, really, it's just calm... I did have a momentary "hrm, I wonder what it (through the years) will be/mean, how it will affect me, how I will deal with it in the future", but that was quickly and easily replaced with an "I'll deal with it when it comes up; I'll sort things out with Jesus when I'm faced with them; my life will be fine, in the long run".
Is that the faith-result of trial? I certainly hope so.
Is it a fluke? Perhaps. Maybe I simply have plenty to be potentially concerned about (which I'm not worrying myself with, aherm -- such a hero to myself, heh) in the immediate, so why focus on this... :)
But you know, maybe it really is just the promise finally being fulfilled...
Ordinarily, I would tell anyone (proverbially or literally) younger than me to skip year 30 (whenever you hit that year in your life, heheh), but I don't know... Maybe, just maybe, I'll say [proverbially] "DO 'YEAR 30!!', because after that storm comes the calm." Of course, it might just be the eye of the storm, who knows... So I'm not sure, yet, if that'd be my advice :D, but maybe...
I might even write a song about it, someday. (I've never written a song.)
Alrighty, well, I don't know what the point of this post is...
I guess if anyone is having any hesitations about upcoming change, although I'm no great example, warrior or hero, I can, by all means, lend a sympathetic and listening ear and I will definitely pray for you, so drop me a line and let me know what things are like. I may not feel totally confident in life, yet -- I feel like a scared and fragile little caterpillar peeking out of a dark cocoon, knowing there's daylight coming, but still looking around for predators and fear-ed crushing :D -- but I'm still alive. So at least I can say, with confidence, "you'll live" -- and then you can look at me and wonder if this is really "living", haha, but, yes, it could be far worse. Amen? Amen. :D
--And to end on a triumphant note, here's a glorious poem (I quite impressed myself with it at the time, haha) I wrote at the beginning of my 30th year -- that year of troubles... :D
---
Oh, Thirty, dear Thirty, I do not feel old;
I do not feel crotchety, do not feel bold.
I do not feel diff'rent in any which way;
I do not feel wisened, so what can I say?
I do not have grey hair; the hill still goes up -
I do not feel cultured: on choc'late we sup
When others, incredulous, say with that look,
"You're thirty?!" I may well throw at them the book.
For, Thirty, your measure of age and of skill
Makes my fair demeanor uncommonly shrill.
If I had a cake with three candles times ten,
I doubt I would find a most suitable yen.
You, Thirty, are simply a passing of time,
But time is irrelevant, hardly sublime.
So, Thirty, I add you to Memory's pile
And, no doubt, induce in a great score the smile
Of pity for my blithe, oblivious ways -
Wishes for suitable, age-defying days.
You offer a gown of cliché and, subdued,
Turn your pale complexion, so peevishly-hued,
To others encountering your telltale signs,
Who blindly, distractedly, stand in your line
Accepting the fate that seems written in stone.
Would you gently change that and throw them a bone?
For I know, dear Thirty, that you can be kind -
I know you have gifts for the body and mind.
You may make us think we are stuck with the worst,
But I know behind that sly smirk there's a burst
Of promising endeavors for heart and soul.
Here, Thirty, replace this small piece with the whole!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment