Fell In

[Oh, wow, I'd totally forgotten about this one... If this were a few years ago, I'd never think of posting this, but I feel it's sort of appropriate to post it, now... And I have to admit, it does make me cry... Ack! Do you remember when it was like this for you? I haven't remembered, in a long time...]

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I don't remember the first time we met, but I remember the day I fell in love with You.

I'd rejected Your attempts at showing how much You cared. I must've hurt You so in my pride and shunning what was so important to You. I'm sorry if I broke Your heart when I said I could never accept the love You had for me. See, it's not that I thought I was too good or could do without it. I knew if it weren't for the touch of Your hand, I wouldn't even be breathing.

I'd crossed through mountains and deserts in the paths my twisted mind led me--and You were always there. I felt Your presence, I was in Your hand. You were my best friend, my father, my king, my benefactor. But when You told me that Your love for me was far greater than even all that--that You wanted me as Your wife, all Yours, for the rest of my life, I was scared. Not shocked, because I know that's the way it goes when two people love each other. Just scared--fear.

I was afraid I could never love You enough or show how much I needed You. I was afraid I would fail You--that in trying my best to please You, I'd never come close enough. Afraid You would find no reason to love me because I have nothing to give. So I shut myself off. I didn't want You to see my deformed heart, even though I knew You had created it.

Why did I hide from You, when You're the only one who knows me at all? Why did I reject the only love that was offered me? It's ironic: Here I was, longing to be loved, drowning my nights in silent tears. But when You rode in and promised to soothe all that and that You'd always be there, I just didn't see it.

Everyone else is so much more beautiful than I. Why did You want to leave Your heart with me? I was in depths only a very rejected soul could reach, and when You threw down a rope, promising to get me out and keep me out, I could not accept. I saw how You gave of Yourself so freely to others, but it could never be for me. How would I repay?

Well, all this ended in one abrupt and unmeditated move. You stepped toward me and asked me for a dance. My logical mind cried out against it, and all my rejection said no. (Not rejection of You, but a rejection of pleasure and happiness to myself.) But I should've known better than to resist the Love of loves. Because without thinking, I walked into Your arms, closed my eyes and let myself go.

You just held me. You didn't speak. But I felt Your love pick me up, like I wasn't there—-as if it was no longer me and you, but us--one. The feeling was so incredible, I could've lost myself in it. You've never been one to use obvious manifestations with me--I've always had to take it by faith--and so it is now. But at that moment, You made me You--Your breath, Your pulse, Your love.

I don't know what brought me out of there--the end of the song, perhaps. But I could never shove Your love aside again. Sure, maybe sometimes I forget to show You how much I care for You and need You, but You see my heart. You know that I do, even when it doesn't seem like it. You know that when it comes down to it, I'd die without You.

I fell in and I can never get out--and I would never want to. So I live, loving You.

-- Angelina Phantom 10:00-10:20 PM; December 14, 1997