What is "big"?

You know, image, how you perceive yourself and how others perceive you... it's all just so complicated. For example: Somebody just told me that, when I got here, they thought I was pretty skinny.

Okay, I've been here nearly 9 months and have been faithfully exercising vigorously for the past 3 months. I've always said that exercising makes me and my body type look bigger. People didn't believe me. "Girls don't bulk up... ...If you exercise, you're going to get skinnier..." Etc., etc. Look, I've been living with this for 30 years: I should know.

As un-tantalizing a prospect as it would be to some to have my body type, this is what God gave me, and with what I have, I will never be tiny and if I tried some "conventional" methods, I'd probably just mess things up. Okay, I will concede that, were I to exercise to a certain degree, like, full marathon level, regularly, or something, yes, I'd probably be small-er, but that's just because all my resources and physical existence would literally be spent up in that occupation, but I'm not a professional exercise-er, so that's not gonna happen. (Besides, as a side note, I've seen some hefty -- in the sense that most people would not consider "fit" -- women run marathons in decent time.--And I AM NOT referring to anybody I actually know. lest any of you get the wrong idea.)

I will, for life, barring some extreme changes to my physical condition, always have these wonderfully-powerful (snicker) thighs, and everything else that goes with them, aherm. Harhar.

Not gonna lie: it's just the way it is.

Anyway, the funny thing about that remark is that, in actuality, my clothing is not fitting me any more tightly than it did 9 months ago. It's fitting me a bit differently and the only pieces of clothing where I've outgrown my standard size are the shoulders, which I never thought would change. But besides that, all the usual things people think they see growing on me, haven't. Maybe it's just more solid-looking, now.

Before moving here, I'd spent several months not exercising, since I was so busy being intense about my move and plenty of other things that I could pretend to be intense about. When I don't use it, it goes away. Which is why, after I've been sick for a few days, people always remark "you're so skinny". No, I'm not, actually, I've just, literally, wasted away and lost the little bit of muscle mass I haven't been using. :) So, there is bulk, there is solid-ness... I guess I could try the waste-away approach.

If I wasn't trying to be healthy.

So, what is "big" anyway? Is it what's perceived to be "big", even though I could pull out a measuring tape to prove that it's not big-ger than the previous perception?

Well, maybe this lovely person was actually seeing the slight increase of my back and shoulders which -- Hik, I know you don't believe me in this, but I know the workings of my own body and if I were a swearing person I would swear on that beetle you ate -- seem to have increased a bit in bulk ever since I started playing soccer and running regularly. So, technically, maybe there is more "big" there, but I'm thinking primarily of the part everyone sees as "big" on me and using that as the comparison for this extremely thought-provoking discussion with myself.

Hrm...

It does make you think, though.

At least, it should.

Perception...

(Relative?)