TDMD: Vegetarianism

Vegetarianism
--Tirzah Deborah Morningstar Delightful

Almost anyone who knows me knows I'm a vegetarian. Actually, that might not be true. Mostly people who have questioned me about either why I am not eating that lovely steak or why I am eating that disgusting (!) tofu [1], instead of that delectable morsel of tendon and muscle [2].

Some people didn't know I was a vegetarian until I told them politely while they were trying to feed me a spoonful of cold spaghetti sauce [3], or until they were flying with me and I immediately began hyperventilating because I forgot to order a vegetarian meal. As I do.

Praise the Lord, He always makes a way, and I usually end up with a nice little vegetarian meal anyway. Which is a miracle, since they count the vegetarian meals. I guess vegetarians are the only people who miss their flights.

I refuse to expound further on that thought. It will only reflect badly on me. [4]

Back to the issue at hand: I don't know if it's simply that I'm not a very militant vegetarian, that I'm a little bit flexible with the whole not-eating-meat-thing (as in, eating eggs and some dead sea life [5]) -- due largely to the fact I don't want to accidentally die from having missed a vital vitamin/mineral/other-vital-thing-you-really-really-need -- or perhaps that no one notices other people's eating habits. I'd say it's the latter, but not noticing implies not caring, and the arguments I have found myself in the middle of do not propagate that theory at all.

Much like: "Didn't God command us to eat meat?" There's no correct answer for that one. I like to conveniently remember that God also commanded us females to refrain from wearing men's clothes, and men from women's. Please don't contradict me, it's in Deuteronomy, and I'm guessing that goes for jumpers as well as pants. Not to mention the comfy T-shirts traditionally stolen from your sweet mate... [6] and those Adidas shoes we got in provisioning that time. (They were girls' and everyone knew it.) [7]

He also asked us nicely to not eat unclean seafood, pork, or kangaroos, but that doesn't get anywhere with most people. To break it down, that's your garlic prawns, crispy bacon, smoked ham, tasty chorizo, and tender kangaroo rump steak. Yep, I knew that would hurt. I know some someone's who like to eat their prawns wrapped in bacon. Tisk, tisk, tisk. What does God think of that? [8]

There are a whole host of other things we're not supposed to do. Or are. I mean, heck, I'm... ahem... we're technically supposed to be in the process of "being fruitful and multiplying" and we all know how well that's going. For some of us, anyway. [9]

Then there's always the simple, "Don't you remember how God lifted all those rules from making the old testament (or covenant) into the new testament? Yep, that's right, all we've got to do is love each other, so I'll eat my veggies while you beseech God for your bacon to have been made clean." [10]

Of course, I usually just use a simple equation. A-like so: "If meat for four people is eaten only by three people, each person gets how much more than usual?" Yes, you've guessed it... my new calling in life is to teach mathematical word problems.
And my conversation partner's love of argument necessarily drives them to call me a picky eater. Whereupon I told them God told me not to eat meat. Which is true. He did. [11]

And that shuts them up. Not for long, though, because they usually make some grandiose claims that I have a polluted channel. That's okay, because I can then turn them in for some cozy shepherding time while I scrounge around for the last of that tasty dogan tofu for my dinner.

All those stories prove is that you are eating animals and I am not. Because unfertilized eggs will never be chickens, no matter how eagerly you wish this. (Fish, on the other hand, is inescapable, believe me, I tried--I try. I've nearly eliminated it, relegating it to bi-monthly meal-times.) But I don't call PETA in, because I don't really care what you eat. As long as it's not going to kill anyone.
I actually find it all quite amusing. When I was a youngster, eating a prized little chop, cut into tiny pieces by hands much more skilful than mine, my loving brothers reminded me of how that lamb was alive and frolicking and bleating not too long before it hit my plate. My customary response was typically tears or a "yum" (depending on how aware I was of their intentions to disturb). These days, my brothers wonder why I choose not to consume meat. [12]

It has nothing to do with the lamb bleating, or even the fact it was alive once. More about now that it's gone and been killed, why in Heaven's name would I feel an urge to eat it? I didn't want to when it was alive--what is it about death that makes animals so appealing? Tell me, please. [13]

I mean, who looks lovingly into the eyes of a cow while envisioning gouging a massive steak from its rump? Or who watches a pig eat and thinks, "Mmm... yummy! I want that more than I want Vegemite!"? [14] It doesn't happen. People think it tastes nice (presumably I refer to the cooked specimen) so they want to eat it. But only when it's prepackaged with the black styrofoam and the cling-wrap, and most of the blood conveniently drained.

If they had to do the honours [15], most of the time, they wouldn't want it for dinner. Which is exactly as it should be, and I honestly don't mind if that's how you feel. I actually am quite relieved people feel like that. Because as awesome as barbarians were, back in their heyday, I don't know many people these days who would like to chair a fanclub for the whole "men are animals" philosophy.

Animals were very likely made to be eaten, pigs, roos, and prawns aside. Or maybe we can put prawns back in, after all, they farm them these days.... yeah, that's between you and your conscience -- all I have to say to you is 'Why is the Sea Salty?" [16]

I still can't say eating pigs is a nice idea. I mean, think of trichinosis and intestinal worms. (I purposely left out swine flu.) But I don't want to eat dead animals any more than you want to eat roadkill.

If you do consider eating roadkill one of life's great joys, I suggest you go talk to a (preferably French) chef or two and tell them this. And videotape it. I'd love to watch it in my free-time. And besides, I could send it to Ange and make a Part 2 of this enlightening monologue.

My conclusion is that I am not a very militant vegetarian, as no one ever knows whether or not I'll eat tuna, and that's why you never know whether to call me a vego. I just have good ideas and well-used arguments -- whether or not they are very good remains to be seen. But all in all, that's okay with me. Just don't try to feed me hot-dogs, and I won't remind you how they were made.

Have a loving day. [17]

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1. I'm actually getting used to the tofu -- shiner me, eh?
2. But I'll take the fleisch over the tofu, any day!
3. That's just gross. Why do guys insist on eating food cold, that shouldn't even be thought of cold?--And it's usually Italian-based food. The horror!
4. Next time, to get your mind off the food disaster, I suggest meditating on the tons-of-steel-hanging-in-mid-air wonder. Snicker.
5. If I could eat sashimi, wasabi and soy sauce every day, I would join your club! It so more than makes up for any other losses…
6. Uh, is that “mate” in the Australian or non-Australian way? :O
7. Hahaha, well, if you can pull it off…
8. I think you should ask Him. But remain flexible, lest you create some cult-splinter, ehe.
9. Actually, we are all being fruitful, multiplying and replenishing the earth: we just don’t know it. After that orphanage, I think the next step will be to completely live off the land.
10. Personally, besides beseeching, I wash mine. Well. Twice.
11. At this point, in real life, Hik would be interjecting something entirely inappropriate. I hope he’s sorry. In real life.
12. That is quite disturbing. I think you need therapy.
13. They can’t run away from your plate.
14. Yeah, Vince told me to add Vegemite to… I don’t remember what. But it was definitely inappropriate. … … Stroganoff!
15. British spelling. Impressive.
16. Plagiarist.
17. –And love your animal neighbors as yourself.