Faith through battles

Lately, I’ve been hit off-and-on with some pretty strong battles of “extreme alone-ness”. I’m not part of the non-parents crowd and the parents seem too busy and I don’t want to impose, even though we do click and have some great conversations (eek! :D), when we have time to relax altogether. On the personal side of things, everyone has their life and seems content in how things are going for them, so I don’t really fit in to any of it, being the newbie (and being the weirdo, to be sure -- heheh). Besides, I’m just not that good at the whole casual interactions thing –- I can be loud and stupid and foolish, but that isn’t all there is to life, for me, although it may seem like that’s all that’s available in life, here, at the moment. (That being said, though, we have a really good team, here, with highly dedicated and friendly people. The problem isn't them, it's me. )

Well, I knew this would happen, I’m generally fine, I don’t actually mind being on my own, especially when one can’t and doesn’t expect anything else, but that wave still comes around periodically. Gee, blogs sure do make one pretty frank and open... Maybe it’s because I know there are only two people who actually read these writing-only posts, haha.

Anyway...

I get very destabilized by emotional trials -– I may look normal and fine on the surface, but, really, I’m not.--And then, the worst part is when it starts reaching the surface. Ack! Where do they sell little tear-duct plugs?! I’ll take a 100-pack! Yeah... Hrm... They say crying is good for you, it relieves stress that builds up, etc. (You’ve gotta love Professor Higgin’s advice: “It's only imagination. Low spirits and nothing else. Nobody's hurting you. Nothing's wrong. You go to bed like a good girl and sleep it off. Have a little cry and say your prayers: that will make you comfortable.”) I’m pretty good at that, haha, but haven’t been doing much of it since coming here –- either for not wanting to dwell on any possible or existing issues or simply not having the time.--Or maybe the Lord’s just been sparing me, in my first months. :) But everything still goes on internally and eventually peeks out. Oh well, such is life...

Anyway (again)...

Today, when things were surfacing quite literally, not being contained anymore (after already not being contained last night), I ran out of my cubicle to the solitude of the bathroom upstairs... I know what the Word says to do through battles... I’ve been obeying it ever since this bout started – praying, praising and all the rest, but it seems like sometimes these things just have to be ridden out.

So, in the solitude of that bathroom, I got enough of a victory to walk back down here in a stable frame of mind (“stable” is relative, heh).--And not because I had any revelations or anything. In fact, when it happens, I ask the Lord for relief, but nothing seems to come. So... I know there are battles to face in this whole change, I know I’ll face them, when they’re happening, I know they’re very obviously here... What more is there to it? Usually, I hunker down and try to ignore them, but that doesn’t usually actually resolve things.

I think, today, in the bathroom, at least for this one instance, I decided that it’s just the way it is and if the Lord isn’t giving me some obvious and instant relief, well, He knows what He’s doing -– somehow it’s working something that He intends. Even if it does mean scaring people who see me acting not-so-much-like-my-usual-self but have no clue what’s going on, or if it means being embarrassed if somebody does walk in on me in a weak moment, or what have you.--Or even for absolutely no obvious reason: it has purpose. I don’t know the purpose, but there _is_ purpose.

There, I feel better already.

For now.

I feel so grown-up, too.

Haha.